Wed, Feb. 8th, 2006, 10:51 pm
I've become lazy. I am updating only because anna sent me an email stating that i haven't written here in over 5 weeks. so here you go...
I really hate memories sometimes. Especially the painful ones, you know, the ones you are never rid of...
I had everything when I had you and now that you are gone I feel the loneliness consume me. I know that I am better off without you but every picture, every single memory of you repeats itself, still to this day I find myself thinking about you all the time. It's like a picture show on repeat and I can't shut it off.
So the more I think about you the more I realize that I never meant anything to you anyway. I wasn't what you wanted no matter how hard I tried, you just kept pushing yourself further and further from me until I could no longer reach you and now I will never ever get through to you.
I guess you find some sick amusement in me hurting. And you leave these things out in the open as if for me to purposely find them and that is very low.
You made empty promises to me and the sad thing is, I actually believed you. I thought we could be, but I guess you've found your soulmate. And I hope the two of you have a happy felony, drug induced life together because with me you actually had something good, something worth keeping but you decided to throw it all away because of your "fear of commitment". Bullshit, you weren't scared you just didn't want to be committed to me.
I hope you and her are happy together and I know that right now she is laughing because she has won... and I hope for the sake of the world that you two do not spawn. and if you do I hope she miscarries every time you try to get pregnant. Terrible I know but so is what you did to me, you have hurt me more than you will ever know and I hope you are happy with yourself for doing so.
So again I thank you for 9 months of nothingness and lies you asshole. I hope she reads this too because it would truly make my day to piss her off.
Sun, Jan. 9th, 2005, 04:38 pm
For some odd reason, I feel like crying. But yet again, for absolutely no reason.
I still haven't gone christmas shopping. Procrastination at it's all time best. I'm not lazy I just have a shitty job.
I met Traye's Dad's side of the family on Saturday. That was a really nice time. I heard Traye play the piano this weekend too. He absolutely blew me away. He's very talented at what he does and I don't know why he doesn't flaunt it. Everyone thinks he's a fucking bum loser and he's not. He just needs better coaching on how to apply himself. Or sell himself to society if you will.
Yeah. To all of you he's another "Matt", "John", or "Joe". But to me, he's something better, something that they never were.
This one is different. And if you can't see it, then you must be fucking blind.
I'm done fucking ranting now.
Mon, Dec. 6th, 2004, 08:34 pm
I'm such a bitch. Do you ever have those times where you wish you can go back and not say what you said to someone?
I had that today.
I was not so nice to Traye yesterday. I was mad, but for no reason. Of course he told me that I wasn't the one that should be sorry that it should be him, but no. I should be the one. I said some not so nice things, and then unintentionally/intentionally hung up on him.
Ugh. I need to get ahold of my emotions. Most of the time, it's just a big misunderstanding and me just overreacting.
I hate this part of me.
She seemed dressed in all of me, stretched across my shame. All the torment and the pain leaked through and covered me. I'd do anything to have her to myself, just to have her for myself. Now I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do when she makes me sad.
She is everything to me. The unrequited dream, a song that no one sings. The unattainable, She's a myth that I have to believe in, all I need to make it real is one more reason. I don't know what to do, I don't know what to do when she makes me sad.
I wish that song were written about me.
"Snap. Your face was all it took because this need ain't doing me no good. Fall on my face but can't you see... This fucking life is killing me."
Despite the bullshit, I guess he still loves me?
I feel so restrained.
I ache to get away.
I want to move
out. Rather move on.
"The sweet smell of a great sorrow lies over the land. Plumes of smoke rise and merge into the leaden sky. A man lies and dreams of green fields and rivers. But awakes to a morning with no reason for waking."
I've made my decision, irrational or not. Sometime after Christmas, I am taking the money I'll be accumulating and I'm taking a vacation from this bullshit. This three ring circus sideshow.
At this point, I don't care who I hurt by leaving, but I am doing it anyway. I need to get away, clear my head, leave the stress behind, even if it is only for seven days.
This month has been nothing but drama infested chaos and I need to be rid of it.
I'm sorry. For everything. For not being there as often as I should have been. I know you don't like movies, but if you want before you go to Becky's party you can come to the movies with me and the little kids. I was going to take them to see a movie tomorrow to get them out of the parentals hair so, if you want to come with let me know okay?
I love you sweetheart. When you turn eighteen we'll get an apartment together and leave our drama infested chaotic houses.
"There is a silence surrounding me. I can't seem to think straight. I'll sit in the corner. No one can bother me. I think I should speak now, I can't seem to speak now. My words won't come out right. I feel like I'm drowning, I'm feeling weak now. But I can't show my weakness. Sometimes I wonder, where do we go from here?"
So... it's thanksgiving. WOOO!
Guess what. I'm not having a thanksgiving. Ok, I lied. Anna's family loves me just that much and has allowed me to celebrate it with them.
My mom is working all day today and my step-dad just took off, so that leaves me here, all by myself, without a kitchen or any family.
I am so ready to get my feast on. Anyways, I must shower and get ready I don't know what is acceptable enough to wear today... EEE.